I welcome you to my world
Been a year?
Junhao left on December. I cried like a fucking bitch. Gordon told him shit and he decided to leave me? He said he regretted and I can see he still hopes that we can kinda work it out maybe? But nah... It's rlly all over. He just wanted to meet people who really has a spot in his life.. I can't believe it. I'm one of them... Hahahahahah :p. K done being childish. I was really in love. So madly deeply truly in love with you. But I guess it just has to end this way. Hope you're fine in Myanmar.
So it was my birthday. Yusuf was just an eye candy. However, he was caring enough to leave me a text and i was so happy. Vinood and Rishi fought that day. Like fuck, seriously? But I didn't reply... So Jes or don't know who used my phone to text him and everything started that day at Jerry house. It has been 5 months since we're talking. And I really felt happy, prolly for the first two months. At least at this period, I do know that i don't love Junhao anymore.
That day we went window shopping together. It was my first time doing it in a 'date' but it was refreshing and filled with laughter. You were aiming which shirt you wanna get but at the same time, don't wanna be criticized by your brother as 'gay'. You were so cute. And what happened at Boss' chalet, I cried as usual about the 'fat' thing. It really hurts when you called me fat. I hope you would accept me for who i am, like junhao. Because i don't expect you to change. And sentosa, fuck we almost did shit. You said I don't understand you but yeah, i agree, i really don't. But it hurts to hear those words. And where we had our first kiss. You were so inexperienced compared to Suni, but it was adorable and slowly you catch up with me.That night before Rishi books in for the first time, you apologized for being so cold towards me and hug me and say everything's alright. That made me felt like I was at the safest place, which is in your arms. It felt heavenly. But everything went down hill during June.
Yusuf became so cold and dao. Only when we meet up he is like fire. Sometimes i will think i'm just a a fling's position, sometimes he really loves me, sometimes he just don't want me. I don't know what he wants. His like a puzzle that has many missing pieces. I felt so fucked up. I don't felt i am important anymore. I know you tried, and you're just not the type that says out things. But it sucks not feeling important. I can't say i'm perfect but all i can say is i'm sorry.
But you won't tell me whats wrong, wtf you expect me to do? Sometimes i just wonder, why did i allow someone in my life so easily when it started out from an eye candy. Why did i allow you to hurt me over and over again, all those meaningless arguments whereby i just want to fight for your attention. But you didn't took it that way. I bet you thought i was irritating, annoying, and just fucked up. But all i want is to feel safe and happy again, with you. And every time you touch me, i felt like we are perfect again. Simple things like holding my hand in the cinema, cabs, walking home. It made me so happy. When you started became so cold, i realized how much a 'goodnight *heart*' can made me so fucking happy. But slowly it became like somethings that is sacred. You hardly say it. Not even heart shapes. One night, you sent it to me when i fell asleep. That is prolly my first time not sending it to you before I slept. I was so happy... And you apologized to me again, at ECP, the day before playhouse. You even cared for me at playhouse. All of these make me feel like we are fine again, like how we used to be just that it wasnt sweet anymore. The last time i saw you was prolly at playhouse.You didnt even hug me back. That really hurts. But it's ok, i told myself that you are just drunk or tired. Probably lying to myself to make myself better.
I felt so bad for rejecting you. I was paranoid 90% of this relationship and i hope you understand. I'm sorry.
But all these had ended over Facebook. You just said we should concentrate on whats important, studies. I asked if you really dont love me anymore, you said no. How can you be so heartless? Why? Why did you do this to me. This woe is still fresh. This isn't the Yusuf i know that gives up so easily. But i don't wanna lie to myself anymore. I can't just stalk you and see if you still love me or not. But honestly, if you want me to go for my own good, leaving me like how Junhao did, then you're fucking stupid. Till now, i don't know what i want. Do i still want you? Do i just miss the sweet times we had when i feel safe and happy? Do i really love you in this whole time? So many fucking questions to myself and you. It's my loss too, for letting you go. You are what i wanted except for the part you keep everything to yourself, but i know its all my fault. I was a bitch. I know sometimes i ss or what you feel damn one kind and you're probably too sensitive for all this and i'm not sensitive to your feelings. So many times i did wrong and i dont blame you for not loving me anymore. There are just a lot questions in the back of my mind.
I can't believe i actually allowed you in my life, knowing i've been so paranoid all the time. But it was a right choice to accept you in, and it felt great. Thank you. For all the movies, love and care you showed to me. It wasnt what i expected but i really love what we had. It's ok if its all gone now. Maybe you still love me, maybe not, but i dont know how long will i get over you because i didnt really love you soooo deeply. Or do i still miss the sweet things with you? But you are so different, from leon, etc....
O levels. I can do this.
The last time i blogged? When everything started to corrupt. Honestly i can't believe i'm blogging now! On valentines day... haha. Well it's just for the memories.
Junhao texted me twice. Once is nov when i was out. Another was.. dec. He said he feel bad. Stupid gordon z. Told him that i miss him and stuff like that. It's valentines day and he made me a card. previously on Fashion Design module he made a pouch. But all these feelings are not as strong any more. It's always like this. When the guy is more into you, you just don't want him at that moment and when he really wants to give up, you want him back.
Ban and the girls kept complaining they are fat. How bout' me? Lol.
Went to meet monkey at 424. ahaaha he so funny! didnt wanted to go azrin's house cos lazy. but charmaine asked me to go cos kavitha was crying. lols. then i went cheers to meet them. thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn take 88 to her house. partyyyy. then smokeed and meet leon ^^. omg so cute la i swear!
he got rosy cheeks too! hheheh
It has been almost a week and kavitha havent post about last sat/sun/fri. :(((((( ukelele is confiscated by mrchua! feel so weird la.